Today, for no apparent reason, I cried. By all accounts it was a good day. I mowed the lawn, edged the driveway, and built a little patio for my grill. My wife has been gone for a few days and will be gone for a few more days, so I am feeling a bit lonely for her, but that loneliness doesn't account for my tears.
I noticed that Spirit, one of my dogs, seemed to be in need of some attention and love. We have this thing where I will lie on the floor and put my feet in the chair, and she lay next to me. Typically, these sessions turn into real love fests. This is the one time that she is allowed to lick my face, and she does so with gusto. Today was no exception. After about 20 minutes of petting and loving on her and her licking me, I just started crying. Her licking went into hyper-mode when she got a taste of my tears. I guess I needed that cry, and she needed to taste my tears. We spent a good hour on the floor, just being with one another. I still can't explain my tears, but I do feel refreshed. That may be the still wet glow from her licking.
This week, my wife begins chemotherapy. I have to be honest; I'm terrified - not of the chemo but of the possibility of it not working. I know that it will destroy most of the cancer while treatment is happening, but what about after? She has a disease that will not go away, even with chemo. So, what does that mean for us? I know she will live with this disease for the rest of her life, but what does that look like? I think I'm beginning to understand my tears. Despite having the answers about her diagnosis and the treatment plan, I still don't know the answers.
I guess we never know the answers. Perhaps that is the perpetual difficulty with life. I just feel like we were beginning to figure everything out and have finally built the life that we dreamed of, and now we have this kink in the plan. I know that life comes with kinks, but I'm really tired of untying knots. I've been doing it for too long.